I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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