Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
