I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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