I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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