i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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