Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
