first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
