i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
