dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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