I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
