do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
