True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
