I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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