Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
