those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
These tits shall not be calmed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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