I haven't been this sober since birth.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
