I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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