So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
