If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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