My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
