the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
