I met the friendliest cop last night
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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