she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
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You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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