Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
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How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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