I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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