dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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