I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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