I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
