Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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