nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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