I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
