i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
