She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
