i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
