I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
