my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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