You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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