you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Randomize
