textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
