quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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