Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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