this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
