Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i love accidental penises.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
