6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
that's an acceptable place to lick
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
