I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
