I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
