Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
