do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
