Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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