He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
