I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Bring me that man meat
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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