Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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