I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
