New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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