No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
