your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
