I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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