Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
