I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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